Take a scroll through my Twitter and you know that I’m on a mission to date. Well, I’m trying my best. But it takes two and while I’m giving it my all, I’m finding it hard to find anyone who is willing to give the same amount. I swear dating is my cardio.
And I’ve been tossing around these thoughts a lot more since I was asked to do a reading with the theme being Unresolved Feelings, which I have a lot of.
Listen, I love love.
But I am so exhausted by dating that I’m starting to hate it.
Or more so the idea of dating, especially with how it tends to go today with the whole ‘hookup culture.’ I like the idea of dating, heck I even tried speed dating, but the idea is always so much smoother than the real process. I’ve always said I wish I could just skip dating and be in love.
And as I get older, it’s hard.
Friends are engaged, I’m surrounded by those in love at work and I feel like if I complain then I’m given the eyes. You know the ones, usually saved for dogs that need to be adopted in sad commercials.
It’s hard out there. And add in the fact that I’m plus-sized, strong-headed and tall? It’s nearly impossible. I might sound dramatic, but if you heard all my dating stories then you’d get it. You’ll have to wait on those though, that’s a whole book idea that’s in the works.
But since I’m surrounded by those happily taken, I get a lot of advice and comments. Some is lovely, some is…dated and not entirely helpful but I grin and listen. I have to. If I don’t, I’m labeled as The Bitter Single Friend and if you know me, that’s not my game.
Have you tried *insert latest dating app here*?
I can promise if it exists, I’ve tried it.
Hinge is a current fave. Bumble is hard when you don’t look like a model. Tinder gives me laughs and raises all the red flags.
Those are the ones I have on current rotation right now, and I say rotation because I often have to take breaks. It’s tiring combing through the men of Toronto trying to see if anyone will create a digital spark.
The thing is, it’s all based on looks. And while I’m usually ~ feeling myself ~ I think that you need to get to know me too, and I’m often not given that chance.
Wait, you’ve never had a boyfriend?
I get this, a lot.
And it’s flattering in a way because of the surprised tone that usually comes with it.
But it’s usually followed by why? And that’s when things get tiring.
Are you putting yourself out there?
I’m trying to!
I go on dates a couple of times a month, but this is what cycle ends up happening: get excited about date, go on the date and have fun, wait to see if there will be a second date, be told there’s no spark, get discouraged and return to my reruns of The Office.
I know that getting discouraged doesn’t help anything, but it’s a hard feeling to avoid. Especially When I’m so certain it went well.
The last date I went on felt amazing. We went to my favourite little Italian spot, had a delish meal, talked for hours until he drove me home. Texts were exchanged that night about how fun it was, and I was hopeful to see what happened next.
But then the next morning he said that we weren’t a match and that was that.
Which was fine, if not a bit confusing. I guess I find it hard to understand how people can be so decisive after a single date when I’m still trying to figure out if I could picture dating them.
This happened as well with the last guy too, but I made it to (my first) second date that time. What baffled me more about that was that he liked me enough to find secret halls to steal a kiss, but not enough to go on a third date. It’s hard.
How are you still single?
My least fave of all the questions.
I usually say “Right?! I have no idea!” followed by a hair toss and a laugh. But I do think I know why, even though it’s not helpful to me trying to change what’s happening.
I would like to think that it has to do with me being loud, sure of myself (most days) and busy. Because that’s what it is in media you know? The ‘intmidating’ type that they show off in TV shows as the woman stomps around in fancy heels, killing it at her job.
But I can’t help but wonder if it’s truly a physical thing.
Because what I find online is that being plus-sized gets fetishized so quickly that I can’t stand to read the messages sometimes.
And I go on dates that go great, and I get the “you’re such an amazing girl but…” text a lot. But I’m never actually told what the final straw is, which I guess is for the best.
Please know that I don’t take this as a sign that I need to hit the gym or anything, it’s just a thought that lingers in the back of my mind and now on this blog post. One that I try my best to shake off, but it sticks pretty fiercely.
But it truly comes down to this: if I actually knew why I was single, I wouldn’t be single. Not that I’m going to change myself completely but I could at least work on things or something.
I know I’m dramatic, stubborn, indecisive, emotional. I get attached easily, very easily. I come on strong fast and I’m fiercely loyal.
None of this is bad, to me. But adding it all up? Certainly a contribution to my inability to pass second date.
Don’t worry there’s plenty of fish/so much time/you’re so young or literally any other cheesy hopeful line you’ve heard said by the mother in a Hallmark movie
I know that. I’m not worried.
I am somewhat self-aware enough (or cocky enough?) to realize that I’m a great catch. It’s all going to fall into place someday, and I try my best to remember that but I’m not a patient person at all with anything.
I’m human. And I get lonely.
I was reminded of this feeling today as I walked around Toronto with the feeling of spring in the air. There’s so many couples out and about and I cannot wait until I have a person to run Sunday errands with. It’s little things like that.
And I know that day will come, but until then there’s a lot of Sundays.