to you, after what i said

dear you,

i know you’re going to read this, read it way too quickly and think it’s not for you..but it is. and even if you don’t tell me you’ve read it, if anything of what you’ve said is true; you have.

i usually don’t regret saying things, and i usually feel better when i’m honest, but not this time. right now, i wish i could take it all back. i wish i hadn’t called you, with a speech so carefully written to make it sound like i didn’t care how you reacted. i still have that speech, shoved in a corner but not forgotten. a misplaced reminder of what i shouldn’t have said. and even though i’d take that back, it’s not what i regret saying. i regret telling you that i wanted you out of my head, because that was the first lie i had told you in a while. that’s what i’d take back. because after i said that you see, you changed.

and i know you’ll think i’m overthinking, you’ll blame this on the fact i analyze everything, but this time i don’t think i am. conversations just don’t come easy, and i find my thoughts no longer wandering back to you, which i really didn’t mind that much. i don’t feel the need to call you, and when i do i feel as if it’s not welcome. i’ve come to realize that you will never be the person i want you to be. but i also know that i still think you’re amazing, and i’m not sure how this can be. i really do love you, but i’m not sure that i like you anymore.

so here you are, reading a letter to you that i’ll never send. that is, if you are still reading. you won’t ask me about it, or question who it is for, because that’s not something that you would do. i won’t tell you it is for you, because my nerves would get the best of me. and this i can almost certainly promise.

see, that’s the beauty of words written & not said, they can be erased.


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