to you, wherever you are

i have no idea if you would even blink at the mention of my name.

honestly i can’t remember your real last name, just the name i used to tease you wth instead.

i haven’t seen a trace of you since that year, on october 18th. i’m not sure why the date is so embedded into my head but i remember every single part of that night perfectly as if it’s an episode of a tv show i’ve rewatched a thousand times.

and even with me, you only flit into my memory every now and then. kind of foggy, like you didn’t actually exist. and with a strange mix of emotions. hatred, longing, confusion.

i wonder how you replay that night in your head.

if you think of it now with regret because you understand that what happened was not okay. or, if you are as oblivious as i was then, with fond nostalgia.

today i listened to the album you played (twice) for the first time since. i missed the music, it’s just as catchy as i remember it being, and i want to wash it of any memory of you. and i wonder if i listen to it enough times, will this work?

in a new city, new home. different year, different life.

you never knew how i felt over that night because i didn’t figure it out until too much time has passed.

and now more time has passed and i can listen to the album again.

i forgive you.







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